Date: 2009-12-03 21:44 Subject: N00B TUBE Security: Public

"Novinha is my wife," said Ender. "I said I wouldn't leave her. I tried not to leave her."
"You haven't left me," Novinha said.
"Then what am I doing in this bed?"
"You're dying," said Novinha.
"My point exactly," said Ender.
"But you were dying before you came here," she said. "You were dying from the moment that I left you in anger and came here. That was when we both realized, that we weren't building anything together anymore. Our children aren't young. One of them is dead. There'll be no others. Our work now doesn't coincide at any point."
"That doesn't mean it's right to end the-"
"As long as we both shall live," said Novinha. "I know that, Andrew. You keep the marriage alive for your children, and then when they're grown up you stay married for everybody else's children, so they grow up in a world where marriages are permanent. I know all that, Andrew. Permanent--until one of you dies. That's why you're here, Andrew. Because you have other lives that you want to live, and because of some miraculous fluke you actually have the bodies to live them in. Of course you're leaving me. Of course."
"I keep my promise," Ender said.
"Till death," said Novinha. "No longer than that. Do you think I won't miss you when you're gone? Of course I will. I'll miss you as any widow misses her beloved husband. I'll miss you whenever I tell stories about you to our grandchildren. It's good for a widow to miss her husband. It gives shape to her life. But you--the shape of your life comes from them. From you're other selves. Not from me. Not anymore. I don't begrudge that. Andrew."
I'm afraid," said Ender. "when Jane drove me out, I've never felt such fear. I don't want to die."

So I'm going to go to COD this semester. I know I've said this so many times and have yet to accomplish anything but taking the assessment test three times. but I feel like this time I really want to do it. Not just to get people off my back but because I want to do it. Fuck it, I mean it couldn't hurt right.
I didn't get fired from my job like I thought I was going to be but, I am going to be looking for a different job. I just don't want to work at PetCo anymore. Everyday I feel the same way. Dragging my way through the day, hoping not to get caught reading in the breakroom or doing other shit like that. I wish I could find a job I liked to go to. I don't think it there is one but I'm looking.
Brock's mom only ended up staying at our house for like three days so that is fucking great. my house seems ten times better now that shes gone.
Pretty much, I have been feeling stressed out and short tempered lately but I'm feeling a lot better because things are starting to look up. If anything I just seem more sure in what I'm doing.

Date: 2009-11-05 22:33 Subject: Children of The Mind Security: Public

"Tell me what I can do and I'll don it," he said. "I'd die to save you, if that's what it took."
    "Fortunately, you'll die eventually no matter what," said Jane. "That's my one consolation, that by dying I'll do no more than face the same doom that every other living creature has to face. Even those long-living trees. Even those hive queens, passing their memories along from generation to generation. But I, alas, will have no children. How could I? I'm a creature of mind alone. There's no provision for mental mating."
"Too bad, too," said Miro, "because I bet you'd be great in the virtual sack."
"The best," Jane said.
And then silence for a little while.

I feel like someone has been fucking with me all day. How else could today be so shitty?

Alas, I fear there will allways be more to come.

Date: 2009-10-27 01:36 Subject: WOW Security: Public

Tonight did not go the way I thought it would. Then again who ever thinks they are going to get detained and almost arrested for hoping a fence and walking around. But really, all I want to say is fuck La Quinta PD  and fuck you officer Berry you fucking cunt pig. I did not enjoying you reading my notebook while searching me and I didn't enjoy being called crazy because of it either. But, in hindsight if a cop had thought my writing was good I think I would have given up on my dream of being a writer right then and there.

Fuck every cop out there. You make me sick.

Date: 2009-09-22 23:50 Subject: (no subject) Security: Public

"School! said Wang-Mu scornfully. "What do they care about school for children like me? We learned to read, but only enough to read prayers and street signs. We learned  our numbers, but only enough to do the shopping. We memorized saying of the wise, but only the ones that taught us to be content with our place in life and obey those who are wiser than we are."
"My parents are very low. Why should they waste time teaching me more than a servant needs to know? Because that's my highest hope in life, to be washed very clean and become a servant in a rich man's house. They were very careful to teach me how to clean a floor."


I guess what I was trying to say was not that every town or city is the same as the next town or city or that they all feel the same or they all have the same things or scenes. But what is the difference if I'm working some dead-end job here to pay rent from me working some dead-end job paying rent in some big city? isn't it the same thing just in a different place.
Don't get me wrong I don't plan on living here my whole life, but I just don't feel like when you move out to some city it means that your on the right track or something. Isn't it what your doing not where that matters? I mean if you don't feel like your doing anything here what makes you think your going to accomplish more or be feel more fulfilled anywhere else. I mean your still the same person right?
But again, I'm just speaking for my own feelings.

Date: 2009-09-13 23:45 Subject: Xenocide Security: Public

"Miro," She said.
"What?" he asked.
"How can I think of something that's never been thought of before?"
For a moment he didn't understand.
"Miro, how can I figure out something that isn't just the logical conclusion of things that human beings have already figured out and written somewhere?"
"You think of things all the time," said Miro.
"I'm trying to conceive of something inconceivable. I'm trying to find answers to questions that human beings have never even tried to ask."
"Can't you do that?"
"If I can't think original thoughts, does that mean that I'm nothing but a computer program that got out of hand?"
"Hell, Jane, most people never have an original thought their lives," He Laughed softy. "does that mean they're just ground-dwelling apes that got out of hand?"
"You were crying," she said.
"Yes."
"You don't think I can think of a way out of this. You think I'm going to die."
"I believe you can think of a way. I really do. But that doesn't stop me from being afraid."
"Afraid that I'll die."
"Afraid that I'll lose you."
"Would that be so terrible? To lose me?"
"Oh, God," he Whispered.
"Would you miss me for an hour?" she insisted. "For a day? For a year?"
What did she want from him? Assurance that when she was gone she'd be remembered? That someone would yearn for her? Why would she doubt that? Didn't she know him yet?
"Maybe she was human enough that she simply needed reassurance of things she already knew.
"forever," he said.
It was her turn to laugh. Playfully. "You won't live that long," she said.
This time when she fell silent, she didn't come back, and Miro was left alone with his thoughts.


So tonight after working my eighth day straight at Pet co. I went out for a bike-ride with Frank and Bri. My bike seat seemed kind of unstable but no different then last night or the night before. So as we're cruising into Palm Desert Civic Center Park I'm riding with no hands and all of a sudden I feel my seat give way and I'm skidding across the pavement on my ass watching my seatless bike ride on.
But the story isn't over. I get up and start to cradle my throbbing ass and this bro guy out for a jog runs in the park from the street and as he's running past looks me in the eyes and says, "If your bike had bigger wheels that wouldn't happen."
I was stunned and in pain and could only feebly motion towards my dismembered seat and say, "Yeah, I guess," before he ran into the park.
After that the night was pretty much over. I rode home with no seat and now I'm sitting here on my my bruised ass typing this.

Oh yeah and I have to buy a new seat now.  

Date: 2009-08-26 13:22 Subject: San Francisco Security: Public

Human turned his head to speak to Miro. "What is this water?" he whispered. Then he touched the Speaker's tears.
"It's how we share pain or grief or suffering," Miro answered.
Mandachuva suddenly cried out, a hideous cry that Miro had never heard before, like an animal dying.
"That is how we show pain," whispered Human.

WOW. I didn't think I would be so cold up here. It's really nice, I guess i just didn't see it coming. The city is really cool, it has it's own style that is so different from all the other cites I have traveled to.

Well I think I hear Nathan coming back from the pie shop. See you around.

Date: 2009-08-13 16:17 Subject: Ender's Game Security: Public

Bean wondered about it as he walked back down the corridor to his own bunk. The lights went out just as he reached his bunk. He undressed in the darkness, fumbling to put his clothing in a locker he couldn't see. He felt terrible. At first he thought he felt bad because he was afraid of leading an army, but it wasn't true. He knew he'd make a good commander. He felt himself wanting to cry. He hadn't cried since the first few days of homesickness after he got here. He tried to put a name on the feeling that put a lump in his throat and made him sob silently, however much he tried to hold it down. He bit down on his hand to stop the feeling, to replace it with pain. It didn't help. He would never see Ender again.
      Once he named the feeling, he could control it. He lay back and forced himself to go through the relaxing routine until he didn't feel like crying anymore. Then he drifted off to sleep. His hand was near his mouth. It lay on his pillow hesitantly, as if Bean couldn't decide whether to bite his nails or suck on his fingertips. His forehead was creased and furrowed. His breathing was quick and light. He was a soldier, and if anyone asked him what he wanted to be when he grew up, he wouldn't have know what they meant.

I learned how to ride my bike with no hands last night. I can now check that off of my list of things to do before I die.


I lied i don't have a list. But if I did that would have been at the top.

Date: 2009-07-15 12:10 Subject: Natalia Estemirova Security: Public Music: Sunshine Superman

But after he found the wino in the culvert again-- that wino or some other-- and used the hammer on him, these dreams went away. He supposed he might have to kill again, and maybe more than once. It was too bad, but of course their time of usefulness as human creatures was over. Except their usefulness to Todd, of course. And Todd, like everyone else he knew, was only tailoring his lifestyle to fit his own particular needs, as he grew older. Really, he was no different than anybody. You had to make your own way in the world; if you were going to get along, you had to do it by yourself.

For the past week or so I've just tried to get by as best I can. My rat died and now another one has some sort of strange growth under it's eye. Someone stole my wallet at work and the AC to my room broke down. So, now I'm staying in my sisters room and I had to go to the DMV this morning. All of that and working eight hours at pet co. every day has taken it out of me.
But now a few days have past and things seem to be on an up swing. Spending time with friends and family helps, also good books by S.K. and the music of Donovan and the Beach Boys. I'm in a pretty good mood for no reason.
Should there be one? I don't think so.
Anyways I'm still saving money and trying to think of where to go once I have enough. I'm still writing stories that seem to never get out of the re-write. I'm still just trying to keep my head up and my nose clean. if you can dig on that.

oh and R.I.P. Natalia Estemirova bummer that the world has to keep killing good people.

Date: 2009-06-26 00:16 Subject: R.I.P. MJ Security: Public Music: off the wall

According lecture, entire effort United State to incite desire, inflict want, inspire demand. Every today American vermin offered too many objects for acquire. Offered too numerous formula for succeed. Too vast selection religion, vocation, lifestyle. No ever able make choice. Resulting outcome no happiness, forever striving pursuit next objective. Next possession or experience or reproductive mate.
Boot squad leader, kicking cadaver to gutter, shrewd leader say, quote grand ruler, magnificent chieftain Benito Mussolini say, " 'war is to man
what maternity is to a woman.'

I feel overwhelmingly depressed. i just want to be good at something or have an inspiring relationship with someone I care about. Please explain to me how life is suppose to be. Is there something I overlooked? is there a reason why i feel so hopeless and alone?

I wish I had a clue.

Date: 2009-06-07 15:07 Subject: Christine Security: Public

"What exactly is it?" I asked. "What is it about this car?"
He sat looking  out at Libertyville Ave. without saying anything for a long time, and then he turned off the radio with a quick snap.
"I don't know exactly," he said. "Maybe it's because for the first time since I was eleven and started getting pimples, I've seen something even uglier than I am. Is that what you want me to say? Does that let you put it in a neat little category?"
"Hey, Arnie, come on," I said. "This is Dennis here, remember me?"
"I remember," he said. "And we're still friends, right?"
"Sure, last time I checked. But what has that got to do with-"
"And that means we don't have to lie to each other, or at least I think that's what it's supposed to mean. So i got to tell you, maybe it's not all jive. I know what I am. I'm ugly. I don't make friends easily. I... alienate people somehow. I don't mean to do it, but somehow I do. You know?"
I nodded with some reluctance. As he said, we were friends, and that meant keeping the bullshit to a bare minimum.
He nodded back, matter-of-factly. "Other people-" He said, and then added carefully, "You, for instance, Dennis--don't always understand what that means. It changes how you look at the world when you're ugly and people laugh at you. It makes it hard to keep your sense of humor. It plugs up your sinuses. Sometimes it makes it a little hard to stay sane."
"Well, i can dig that. But--"
"No," he said quietly. "You can't dig it. You might think you can, but you can't. Not really. But you like me, Dennis--"
"I love you, man," I said. "You know that."
"Maybe you do," he said. "And I appreciate it. If you do, you know it's because there's something else--something underneath the zits and my stupid face--"
"Your face isn't stupid, Arnie," I said. "Queer-looking, maybe, but not stupid."
"Fuck you," He said, smiling.
"Anyways, that car's like that. There's something underneath. Something else. Something better. I see it, that's all."
"Do you?"
"yeah, Dennis," he said quietly. "I do."

Anyways. Saw High Ho Silver Away live last night. It was a great show. I learned to drive stick on the way home. wish I could hangout with DJ more.

Date: 2009-05-11 01:16 Subject: mother's day Security: Public

i hate talking to groups of cops stoned. even more than that, i hate being tricked into getting searched with their ever so sneaky loaded questions. but what i do enjoy is police not being able to find the stash even when it's right under their noses (all the while informing me that it must be some good shit because it smells so strong). well fuck you. i rode my bike home with my front light off and now im going to smoke what you didn't find in that little pocket (it is pretty good). your not going to get another chance to search my bag without a warrant or cuffs, i'm not going to deal with you sidewalk interrogations again. arrest me or let me go. sucka.

Date: 2009-05-05 22:36 Subject: may 5th Security: Public

when is eli farter coming back? i miss that asshole

Date: 2009-04-12 21:47 Subject: (no subject) Security: Public

I feel like one big whirlwind of emotion. A whirlwind with a headache.

Date: 2009-04-10 20:26 Subject: (no subject) Security: Public

i know you need water, but i've my fire to think of.

Date: 2009-02-23 23:30 Subject: grizzly maze Security: Public

Timothy Treadwell was an amazing person. Other than being eaten by bears, i wouldn't mind going out and doing the same thing.

Date: 2008-12-28 00:43 Subject: I grew up near the golden river. Security: Public

Used to watch the sun beat on the water and feel the rain between my fingers. I want for us to be there again with our feet in the water and our hands deep in the grass. I miss you the most.

Date: 2008-12-04 23:35 Subject: (no subject) Security: Public

you know how there are some people you run into that make you wish you lived far away so you wouldn't have to hear embarrassing, stupid old stories from them ever again. It's like the more and more i try to forget about somethings the more and more i am reminded of them. Stop talking to me and pretending we like each other.

Date: 2008-11-30 21:53 Subject: hsdfogsdfo;b Security: Public

blah blah blah I'm unhappy whine whine whine bitch bitch bitch.

Date: 2008-11-02 18:26 Subject: black flag Security: Public

I get scared about a lot of things all the time. Mostly on days when I wake up at sundown. Over sleeping is the worst. I want to become a morning person somehow.  Mission Impossible.

Date: 2008-10-23 23:06 Subject: (no subject) Security: Public

So I've been reading The Stand for a couple days now and I'm starting to think everyone at work has Captain Trips. I might die.